Ok, I started with a list of 2062 synonyms for Male Genitalia last Wednesday (along with doing a little follow up on Thursday) – but what do men “do” with it?

Yep – it’s “increase your vocabulary” time again! So may I present “Euphemisms for ‘that solo activity’ known as masturbation” (now watch my blog get censored for mentioning “that word” ).

Worryingly enough, I’ve managed to find 581 synonyms for male masturbation – but only 35 for female…

(Oh – the picture? Think “Arm Aerobics”, “Bash The Candle” and “Battling the purple-helmet warrior”).

Male Masturbation Euphemisms

[Skip to Female Masturbation Euphemisms]

1. Abusing the wicked stick
2. Accosting the Oscar Meyer
3. Addressing MrPalmer
4. Appropriate the means
5. Arm aerobics
6. Backstroke Roulette
7. Battling the purple-helmet warrior
8. Bash the bishop
9. Bash the Candle
10. Beat Off
11. Beat Pete
12. Beat the Bologna
13. Beat the Bishop
14. Beat the Butter
15. Beat the Dummy
16. Beat the Meat
17. Beat the Stick
18. Bleed the Weed
19. Blow Your Load
20. Beat your meat like it owes you money
21. Bequeath your genes
22. Beta testing your hardware
23. Bleed the lizard
24. Bleed the weed
25. Bloating the vein
26. Blow your load
27. Bludgeon the Beefsteak
28. Bob the hog
29. Bombing the German helmut
30. Bop the Baloney
31. Box the Jesuit
32. Boxin’ the Bozak
33. Boxin the Ballsack
34. Break one off
35. Break you off at the wrist
36. Bringing MrWeasel back from the dead
37. Buck the bone
38. Buff the banana
39. Buff the mushroom
40. Buff the wood
41. Burp the baldman
42. Burp the worm
43. Bust a nut
44. Butter the corn
45. Charge the rod
46. Charm the serpent/snake
47. Check the oil
48. Chipping wood
49. Choke the Chicken
50. Choke the Sheriff and Wait for the Posse to Come
51. Choke Charlie ’till he chunders
52. Chong your schlong
53. Churning butter
54. Clean your pipes
55. Clean Your Rifle
56. Closing the deal
57. Clubbing the baby seal
58. Cocking some soup
59. Come into your own
60. Communicating with Red Leader One
61. Conking the Cardinal
62. Converse with Harry Palm
63. Corralling the tadpoles
64. Crab tease
65. Crack off a batch
66. Cracking off
67. Cracking the bat
68. Crank the Shank
69. Crown the King
70. Cuff the Carrot
71. Culture the American Blood Sausage
72. Date Palmala Handerson
73. Date Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
74. Diddle
75. Diddling the dinky
76. Dilly with the willy
77. Dinging the dong
78. Discipline your soldier
79. Discussing Uganda
80. Disobey the Pope
81. Doin’ extra credit
82. Doin’ the Hand Jive
83. Donkey Spank
84. Downloading from your own website
85. Dra en handtralla
86. Drain Charle’s Dickens
87. Drain the monster
88. Driving the skin bus
89. Drizzle the squid
90. Dry-firing your musket
91. Dunking the dolphin
92. Dusting the old trophy
93. Educating Peter
94. Empty the cannon
95. Encapsulate your probe
96. Erupting Vesuvius
97. Evacuating Tatooine
98. Evicting the testicular squatters
99. Excercise your rights
100. Express yourself
101. Extracting some crack spackle
102. Facha la manuela
103. Feed the ducks
104. Feed the fist
105. Fencing with the pork sword
106. Fidget with your digit
107. Fight the Champ
108. Firing off a round
109. Firing the flesh musket
110. Fire the hand cannon
111. Fire the Surgeon General
112. Fire the wobbly warhead
113. Fist Fuck
114. Fist kebabing
115. Fist of fury
116. Fist your mister
117. Fist Your Monster
118. Five Against One
119. Five knuckle shuffle
120. Fixing the Hubble
121. Flail the whale
122. Flog the Dog
123. Flog the Hog
124. Flog Your Dong
125. Flute Solo
126. Fondle the Fig
127. Gallop the Antelope
128. Give It a Tug
129. Grease the Pipe
130. Hacerse la manuela
131. Hacerse la paja
132. Hack the Hog
133. Hack off
134. Hand crank
135. Hand Job
136. Hand to gland combat
137. Hand Work
138. Have It Off
139. Having a whack attack
140. Having a staff meeting
141. Helping the python shed its skin
142. Herkin the Gherkin
143. Hit on Rosy Palm
144. Hitchhike under the big top
145. Hittin’ the wood
146. Hump the horn
147. Hump your hose
148. Huskin’ corn
149. Hold the bold
150. Hold the mayo
151. Hotdog-a-rama
152. Ignite the Lightsaber
153. Infiltrate your crabs
154. Innoculate the newborn
155. Introducing the Master of Ceremonies
156. Jackhammer
157. Jack Off
158. Jack the corn
159. Jack the sack
160. Jack the joystick
161. Jack your Jizz
162. Jack your monkey
163. Jack yourself
164. Jack’n the beanstalk
165. Jam the joystick
166. Jalarle el pescuezo al ganso
167. Jazz Yourself
168. Jerk Off
169. Jerk the Gherkin
170. Jerk the Turk
171. Jerk your rope
172. Jerkin’ the jerky
173. Jerkin’ the noodle
174. Jerkin’ the wheel
175. Jiggling the dice
176. Jostling your Elder
177. Juice your fruit
178. Jumping to Delight Speed
179. Kill the Pope
180. Knock on wood
181. Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump
182. Lap-based web browsingrowsing
183. Lash the length
184. Launching the Tadpoles
185. Lehavi Bayad
186. Lightening the load
187. Lighting the candle
188. Lightsaber practice with Captain Solo
189. Little pinky hit the slinky
190. Loading the cannon
191. Locking your roommate out so you can call your parents
192. Lope the mule
193. Lope the pork sword
194. Lube the cord
195. Make one-eye cry
196. Make the bald man puke
197. Make silly with the willy
198. Making a six-fist
199. Making duck butter
200. Making the Kessel Run
201. Making oyster soup
202. Making pancakes on your stomach
203. Making wall-paper paste
204. Manipulate the mango
205. Manistrupation
206. Mannin’ the Cannon
207. Manual override
208. Manually assisted wet dream
209. Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship’s primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation
210. Manually targeting the Rebel Base
211. Massage the fireman’s neck
212. Massage the one-eyed monk
213. Maximize your potency
214. Meet MrsPalmer and her five daughters
215. Meet your right-hand man
216. Messin’ with Moby
217. Milk the lizard
218. Milk the maggot
219. Milk the member
220. Mix up a batch
221. Mount a corporal and a four
222. Murder the Bishop
223. Mustard on the burger
224. Nerk Your Throbber
225. Oil the glove
226. Onan’s olympics
227. Onanera
228. One-eye target practice
229. One-hand jam
230. One-man show
231. One off the wrist
232. Oscillating the Oscar Meyer
233. Pack Your Palm
234. Packaging the ol’ sausage
235. Paddle the Pickle
236. Paint the Pickle
237. Paint the CeilingPassing math
238. Pat the Robertson
239. Peeling the chile
240. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
241. Perm your poodle
242. Petting the silk worm
243. Petting the snake
244. Petting the Wookie
245. Phone the czar
246. Pitch a knuckle ball
247. Play with your Willy Wanker
248. Playing closet Frisbee
249. Playing Nintendo
250. Playing the fiddle
251. Playing the flesh trombone
252. Playing the hairy banjo
253. Playing the man-flute
254. Playing the pink oboe
255. Playing the skin flute
256. Playing a solo on your meat whistle
257. Playing soapy Peter
258. Playing with the pink Power Ranger
259. Playing with your 6th finger
260. Playing with your big Alien
261. Playing Yahtzee
262. Please your pisser
263. Pluckin’ your chicken
264. Plunk your twanger
265. Pocket pinball
266. Pocket pool
267. Pocket the rocket
268. Polish the bayonet
269. Polish the bishop
270. Polish the knob
271. Polish the log
272. Polish the Oscar
273. Polish the pole
274. Polish the rocket
275. Polish the shooter
276. Polish the sword
277. Polish the Viper
278. Polish Vader’s Helmet
279. Polish your antlers
280. Polish your helmet
281. Polish your horn
282. Polishing Charlie Brown
283. Polishing Percy
284. Popping the zit
285. Portuguese Pump
286. Pound off
287. Pound the bobo
288. Pound the pelican
289. Pound the pudding
290. Pound your flounder
291. Pound your pud
292. Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin
293. Practice the Heimlich Maneuver
294. Practice your Kung-Fu Grip
295. Prime the womb cannon
296. Puff the one-eyed dragon
297. Pull off
298. Pull one out
299. Pull the ducks neck
300. Pull the root
301. Pull the pole
302. Pull the pope
303. Pull your pud
304. Pull the pudding
305. Pull your prick
306. Pull Your Taffy
307. Pulling a solo session
308. Pulling on Peter
309. Pulling the goalie
310. Pummel the love truncheon
311. Pump the monkey
312. Pump the python
313. Pumping gas at the self-service island
314. Punching the clown
315. Punchin’ the Munchkin’
316. Punching your puppet
317. Punish the Harlequin
318. Punish the penguin
319. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces
320. Raise the flag
321. Rake your meat
322. Ram the ham
323. Ravage the innocent
324. Read ‘em his rights
325. Reenact Old Faithful
326. Releasing the hostages
327. Releasing the Special Edition
328. Rewinding your tape
329. Ride the great white knuckler
330. Ringing for the elevator
331. Rolfing the piglet
332. Rob the knob
333. Rockin’ the rhubarb
334. Rollig the dice
335. Rolling your quarters
336. Rope the goat
337. Rope the pony
338. Rough up the suspect
339. Rub off
340. Rub one out
341. Rub the tub
342. Rub your head
343. Ruminating and pondering
344. Run a batch
345. Runka
346. Running Peter through two-a-days
347. Running the whack-a-thon
348. Sailors’ joy
349. Salute the sailor
350. Sanding the banister
351. Schplitzing your schmeckel
352. Scratching Yoda behind the ears
353. Sewing the seed
354. Shag
355. Shake the snake
356. Shake the weasel
357. Shakin’ hands with little Elvis
358. Shakin’ hands with MrHappy
359. Shakin’ hands with MrWinkie
360. Shakin’ hands with the unemployed
361. Shakin’ hands with Yule Brenner
362. Shakin’ your fist at the ex-girlfriend
363. Shakin’ your hands at the sky
364. Shakin’ your own maracas
365. Shifting gears
366. Shine the barrel
367. Shine your dolphin
368. Shine the hose
369. Shine your pole
370. Shoe shine
371. Shoot your squirt
372. Shoot your wak
373. Shooting craps
374. Shooting the bedroom gun
375. Shooting the shark
376. Shooting Womprats in Beggar’s Canyon
377. Shooting putty at the moon
378. Shuffle the deck
379. Sifting through the nest to find mama bird
380. Single dingles
381. Siphoning off the tank
382. Slakin’ the bacon
383. Slammin’ the salmon
384. Slam the ham
385. Slam the hammer
386. Slam the salomi
387. Slam the spam
388. Slap your head
389. Slappin’ Pappy
390. Slappin’ the Cap’n
391. Slapping the clown
392. Slapping the salomi
393. Slaying the one-eyed monster
394. Slimmer
395. Sling some spooge
396. Sling the jelly
397. Slog the log
398. Smacking the sausage
399. Snap the carrot
400. Snap the Monkey
401. Snap the radish
402. Snap the Rubber
403. Snap the Whip
404. Snuggle the nozzle
405. Soldier’s Joy
406. Soldier’s toy
407. Solo spit
408. Soviet U-boat Commander Jackoff Ruboneoff
409. Spackling the ceiling
410. Spam Wham
411. Spank the carrot
412. Spank the frank
413. Spank the hangdown
414. Spank the monkey
415. Spank the Salami
416. Spank the tank
417. Spank the wank
418. Spank your little boy
419. Spela fickpingis
420. Spela skinntrombon
421. Spinning the record
422. Spit one off
423. Spit the seeds
424. Spit-shining the boots
425. Splat the cat
426. Sprayin’ the spectators
427. Spreading some super life
428. Sprinklin’ the lawn
429. Squeeze the cheese
430. Squeeze the lemon
431. Squeezing the cream filling from the twinkie
432. Squeezing the Creamy Filter
433. Squeezing the squid
434. Squirt one off
435. Squirtin’ Burton
436. Straddle your paddle
437. Strangle MrJesus
438. Strangle the dangle
439. Stroking it
440. Stroking Steven
441. Stroking the Scooby
442. Stroking the schlong
443. Stroke off
444. Stroke the dog
445. Stroke the goat
446. Stroke your ego
447. Stroke your poker
448. Stroke the purple-nosed gusset ferret
449. Stroke the trumpet
450. Stroke your poker
451. Stroke your wookie
452. Strokem your scrotum
453. Stuck in left field
454. Suffocate the organ
455. Surfing on the Milky Highway
456. Taffy pulling contest
457. Taffy tugger
458. Tajja
459. Take a beating
460. Take a load off your mind
461. Take a ride on the mean spanking machine
462. Take little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
463. Take matters into your own hands
464. Take ol’ stiff neck to the movies
465. Take yourself in hand
466. Taking a client up to the Yajima Factory
467. Taking hand
468. Tame the bald headed mouse
469. Tame the monster
470. Tame the shrew
471. Teach your dog to spit
472. Teach yourself a lesson
473. Teach Yule Brenner some respect
474. Tease the weenie
475. Tenderize the meat
476. Test-fire the Death Star
477. Test the flashlight
478. The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
479. The tube of cream
480. Thump the Pump
481. Thropping your marrow
482. Throw the ball around
483. Throw out
484. Thump the pump
485. Tickling your Elmo
486. Tickle your pickle
487. Tinkering with the R2 unit
488. Trim your antlers
489. Trim your horn
490. Tocar con mi pinga
491. Torment the Trouser Trout
492. Torquing the wrench
493. Toss off
494. Tossing the ham javelin
495. Train the Love Porpoise
496. Trying to pull something off
497. Tug o’ war with ol’ Cyclops
498. Tugging the tapioca tube
499. Tuning the fork
500. Turn the knob
501. Tweak your twiddle
502. Twirl the squirrel
503. Twist your turnip
504. Twistin’ the Piston
505. Umroj
506. Unleash the fury
507. Unloading passengers from the five-car train
508. Unsheathing the meatsaber
509. Unsheathing the pork sword
510. Vaccinate the baby
511. Varnish the flagpole
512. Virtual sex
513. Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
514. Vomit the viper
515. Wack the weasel
516. Walk the dog
517. Walking old one-eye
518. Wank
519. Wank the crank
520. Wanking one-eyed Willy
521. Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm
522. Wanking the scube
523. Warming up the altar boys’ dinner
524. Washing the goose’s neck
525. Washing the hog
526. Wasting babies
527. Wave the wand
528. Wax the bean
529. Wax the board
530. Wax the Buick
531. Wax the candle stick
532. Wax the carrot
533. Wax the dolphin
534. Wax the musket
535. Wax the womb broom
536. Wax your surfboard
537. Whack off
538. Whack on your back
539. Whack little Mac
540. Whack the pud
541. Whack the yak
542. Whack your Magic Johnson
543. Whack you willy
544. Whip off
545. Whip the dummy
546. Whip the wire
547. Whip your dripper
548. Whippin’ the mule
549. Whippin’ the pony
550. Whippin’ the weasel
551. Whipping Dripping
552. Whipping your Skippy
553. Whipping your Willy
554. Whizzin’ Jizzum
555. Whittling Dixie
556. Willy spitting
557. Willy wanking
558. Winding the Wurlitzer
559. Wonk your conker
560. Work off
561. Workin’ the Jerkin
562. Wrestle the eel
563. Wrestle the bald-headed champion
564. Wrestle with Cyclops
565. Wring out your rope
566. Wringin’ the towel
567. Wringin’ out the tube steak
568. Yang your wang
569. Yank off
570. Yank the crank
571. Yank the plank
572. Yank the shank
573. Yank the yam
574. Yank the Yoda
575. Yank your strap
576. Yank your wank
577. Yankee your Wankee
578. Yerk off
579. Yoinkin’ off
580. Yuckin’ your choad
581. Zoot Flute Riot

Female Masturbation Euphemisms

[Skip back to Male Masturbation Euphemisms]

1. Beat the Beaver
2. Clap Your Clit
3. Cleaning the Cockies Cage
4. Clean the Ridge
5. Clintons Cave
6. Cookin Cucumbers
7. Defrost the fridge
8. Dead Fish Tango
9. Finger
10. Finger Fuck
11. Finger Job
12. Fingernail Board Work
13. Gettin’ It Wet
14. Greasin’ the Gash
15. Hand Trip
16. Hide the Hot Dog
17. Hit the Slit
18. Hose Your Hole
19. Juice Your Sluice
20. Let the Beaver Swim
21. Makin’ Some Soup
22. Monica’s Marble
23. Oil The Saddle Bags
24. Pet the Poodle
25. Row The Boat
26. Rub The Budgies Head
27. Rub The Pear Stone
28. Rub The Rim
29. She-Bop
30. Slam the Clam
31. Split The Fur
32. Tickle the Taco
33. Tickle the Little Man In The Boat
34. Two-Finger Tango
35. Water the Garden

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