% cat “food in cans”
cat: can’t open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence?
Unmatched “.

% Unmatched “.
Unmatched “.

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many (‘s.

% make love
Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

$ ddate
Today is Prickle-Prickle, the 69th day of Chaos in the YOLD 3176

and of course:

unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep

Some of these work, some of these don’t – it all depends on your OS version. ddate does work on Centos.

We’ll begin with box, and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese.
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice,
But the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
When couldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

The cow in the plural may be cows or kine,
But the plural of vow is vows, not vine.
And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet,
But I give a boot – would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?
If the singular is this and plural is these,
Why shouldn’t the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese?

Then one may be that, and three may be those,
Yet the plural of hat would never be hose.
We speak of a brother, and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

The masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!
So our English, I think you will all agree,
Is the trickiest language you ever did see. I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through?

Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps?
Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.

And dead; it’s said like bed, not bead;
For goodness sake, don’t call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(they rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

A moth is not a moth in mother.
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there.
And dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up — and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword.

And do and go, then thwart and cart.
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start.
A dreadful language? Why, man alive,
I’d learned to talk it when I was five.

And yet to write it, the more I tried,
I hadn’t learned it at fifty-five!

1. Get two pieces of rope or string
2. Put two knots in each piece of string
3. You now have 2 knots and 2 knots
4. Tie those pieces of string together
5. How many knots have you now got?

I didn’t say it was good!

Ehm..

Sorry, please don’t sue me even though I had a Weird Al moment there. To distract you – here’s something SHINY! Oooh, shinyness and KITTY! What more could somebody ask for for the weekend?

Teacher: What is your problem?

Bog: I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in third-grade and I’m smarter then she is. I think I should in the third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the Principal office.while the boy waiting in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the condition were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:What is 3×3?
Boy:9

Principal:What is 6×6?
Boy:36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.”I think the boy can go to the third-grade”, said the principal.

The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask.

The Principal and the boy agreed.

Teacher:What is that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher:What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy:Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains then whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,the boy was already answering.

Boy:Bubblegum

Teacher : What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog dose on three legs?
The Principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer
Boy:Shake hands.

Teacher:Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions,okay?
boy: Yep.

Teacher:You stick your poles inside me.you tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.
Bo: Tent

Teacher:A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large vodka peg…..
Boy:Wedding ring.

Teacher:I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me,you feel good
Boy: nose

Teacher:I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a Quiver.
Boy:Arrow

Teacher:What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck

Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘k’ and if you don’t get it you have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.

Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men then for others. The pope doesn’t use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
Boy: SURNAME

The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,”Send this boy to the University. I got the last then questions wrong myself!”

From: http://somethinbeautiful.blogspot.com/2008/06/naughty-question-asked-by-teacher.html

Click to see it in all of it’s lolz goodness

Have a Lol at it now (and vote for it) – and visit the image source at mfrost.typepad.com)

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here.’

Yours sincerely,

Charles Brown
Store Manager

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker from Sesame Street

From ROFLrazzi.