Richy's Random Ramblings » Net: Weird

Snippet: Internet Broken?

Richy C. — Tue, 23 Dec 2003 22:46:06 +0000

Strange things are afoot on the internet at the moment it seems. Sites I visit on a regular basis Slashdot.org (a techy news site which has such a high readership it can “bring down” other websites: the so called “Slashdot effect”) is returning a high number of “500 Internal Server Errors”, and SpamCop (a site for reporting spam) is also returning “Proxy/500 Internal Errors”. Luckily my servers (my two personal ones and the ones I manage for work) are running OK (although earlier a MySQL server failed: but I sorted it within a few minutes), but one of my three incoming POP3 mailservers (the one provided by my ISP Demon) is non-responsive.

Blarg! Oh well, gives me a chance to get on with some work…

Weird: Is this ‘Adult’?

Richy C. — Sat, 13 Dec 2003 10:54:07 +0000

Many people have their own definition of what “Adult content” really is – it’s relatively easy when it’s a movie or an image: but what about if it’s textual?

Have a look at this “Adult story” about two “good looking female mathematicians” (Zhou and Oxenheilm) and try and decide if it really is ‘p o r n’…

Two non-fugly math girls, lonely for a little love yet repulsed by the animate male lumps of lard and sweat surrounding them. Both so lonely, so sad. Trying to concentrate on their work. Young student huddled close together with advisor, going over a math problem. Then it happens! Zhou’s hair brushes ever so lightly against Oxenheilm’s cheek. They pull back from each other in surprise. They both felt it. And in that moment, their lives changed forever. It was unavoidable. It was their destiny. Their professional composure decays exponentially fast as they both realize the inexorable truth. They are going to have sex and there is nothing either of them can do to stop it. Is this attraction stable? Does it matter anymore?

Clothes are pulled off each other in an optimal fashion. Each woman studies the continuous curvature of the other’s body. Fingers trace the inflexion points, the saddle points, the contours, and then, utimately, the poles. Their fingers now slick with the complex residue of the other, their heart beats begin to constructively interfere with each other. The intensity of one heart increased by the feedback from the other. So wrong. So dangerous. So good.

Groups give way to gropes. Rings give way to rimjobs. Fields give way to fondles. Their fingers, so skilled at manipulating mathematical equations, now find a use in manipulating each other’s boundary layers. Both women writhe and squirm in unison until they are epsilon away from a mutual orgasm (epsilon -> 0 quadratically fast).

And then it’s over. No more theorems, lemmas, corrolaries or proofs. The two young women lie on the floor knowing that their relationship has changed forever. Without a word they clothe themselves and the impressionable young student leaves the office. Never again will they discuss this incident. This will be an isolated singularity hidden for all time in the vast infiniteness of time

From GuyMannDude’s comment on a Slashdot article

Weird: Letter Orders

Richy C. — Sun, 14 Sep 2003 13:32:52 +0000

Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a wrod dosen’t mttaer, the olny thnig thta’s iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat ltteer of eevry wrod is in the corerct ptoision. The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy.

(and, yep, I mangaed to raed it wthiout any porbelms at all).

Actually, I think it’s slightly more complex than that – if you can “split” a word (such as “manage” and “managed” and “without” and “with out”) then you’ve got to try and preserve the first and last letters in the word split otherwise it just doesn’t “scan” right.

(Lifted from Big Pink Cookie who lifted it from Blogdaddy)

Weird: Female Genitalia

Richy C. — Fri, 20 Dec 2002 14:59:36 +0000

On Tuesday, I did a list of 581 synonyms for male masturbation and 35 for female, and the Wednesday before that I did a list of 2062 synonyms for Male Genitalia.

But what about those poor women? How do they refer to parts of their bodies?

Yep, it’s time for 172 nick names of Female Genitals and 129 synonyms for breasts! Woo!

“Richy’s Blog: the site to expand your vocabulary in naughty ways”….

Female Genitals

Ace of Spades
Adam’s Cave
Altar of Love
Bearded Clam
Beaver
Belly Entrance
Black Bess
Bluebeard’s Closet
Box
Brown Madam
Bull’s Eye
Bunny
Bush
Button Hole
Cabbage Patch
Canal
Candle Holder
Cat’s Meat
Cave of Harmony
Cavern
Cellar Door
Chocha
Cleft
Clutch
Cockpit
Cookie
Coot
Cootch
Cooze
Coupler
Crack
Cranny
Crease
Crevice
Crotch
Crumpet
Cunny
Cunt
Dimple
Divine Scar
Donut
Drain
Eel-Skinner
Fish Tank
Flytrap
Fort Bushy
Front Window
Fur
Furbox
Furburger
Furrow
Gap
Gaper
Gash
Gate of Heaven
Ginch
Ginny
Girl-Street
Goat-Milker
Gully-Hole
Hair
Haircourt
Hair Pie
Happy Valley
Harbor of Hope
Hatch
Hog Eye
Hole
Honey-Hive
Honey-Pot
Horse Collar
Hot Box
Hot Spot
House Under the Hill
Irish Fortune
Itching Jenny
Jack Nasty-Face
Jaxy
Jelly-Roll
Juice Box
Keyhole
Lady Jane
Lamp of Love
Lapland
Lather-Maker
Little Mary
Locker
Long-Eye
Love Tunnel
Lower Lips
Magpie’s Nest
Main Vein
Manhole
Mark of the Beast
Meat
Meat Grinder
Mom’s Homemade Slit Pie
Mound
Mount Pleasant
Mouse
Mouth-that-Cannot-Bite
Muff
Naf
Nature’s Tufted Treasure
Nest
Niche
Nook
Nooky
Notch
Oat-Bin
Old Mossyface
Organ Grinder
Oven
Oyster Catcher
Patch
Pelt
Penwiper
Pie
Piece
Pin Cushion
Pipe Cleaner
Piss Flaps
Pit
Playpen
Pocket
Poke Hole
Poontang
Poor Man’s Blessing
Prick Purse
Pussy
Quiff
Quim
Quiver
Rose
Screw-Hole
Slash
Slit
Slot
Snapper
Snappin’ Pussy
Snatch
Snatch-Box
Stank
Steam Room
Stuff
Socket
Sportsman’s Gap
Sugar Basin
Tail
Temple of Low Men
Tool-Chest
Toy Shop
Treasure Chest
Trench
Triangle
Trim
Tube
Tuna Taco
Tunnel
Tunnel of Love
Twat
Tweeze
Twitcher
Vag
Valley
Venus Highway
Vertical Smile
Wet Cave of Lust
Wooly-Booger
Works
Yawne
Yum-Yum

Breasts

Apples
Balcony
Balloons
Bangers
Bazongas
Bazooms
Bean Bags
Big Brown Eyes
Bon-Bons
Boobies
Boobs
Bottles
Boulders
Bullets
Bumpers
Busters
Butterbags
Cantaloupes
Gazongas
Glands
Globes
Grapefruits
Guavas
Handful
Hand-Warmers
Headers
Headlights
Hills
Honkers
Hooters
Howitzers
Jaboos
Jibs
Jugs
Jumbos
Kazongas
Knobs
Knockers
Lactoids
Loaves
Loblollies
Love Bubbles
Love Muffins
Lulus
Lungs
Mammets
Mammary Glands
Mams
Mangoes
Meatballs
Meat Loaves
Melons
Milk Cans
Milk Shop
Mounds
Mount of Lilies
Mountains
Muffins
Mulligans
Murphies
Nancies
Nature’s Fonts
Niblets
Ninnies
Nippers
Nodules
Noogies
Nubbies
Nuts
Oranges
Orbs
Ottomans
Pair
Palookas
Papayas
Paps
Peaches
Peaks
Pears
Pects
Peepers
Pillows
Pips
Pokers
Pontoons
Potatoes
Pumpkins
Pumps
Rib Cushions
Roundies
Sandbags
Scones
Scoops
Set
Shakers
Shimmies
Skin Sacks
Snuggle Pups
Spheres
Spuds
Stacks
Stuffing
Sweater Meat
Sweet Rolls
Swingers
Tamales
Tetons
Tidbits
Tits
Titters
Titties
Tomatoes
Tooters
Torpedoes
Twangers
Twin Peaks
Twofers
Umlauts
Upper Deck
Waldos
Warheads
Warts
Watermelons
Whoppers
Wobblers
Wongas
Yabbos
Yams
Zeppelins

Weird: Real Hamsters!

Richy C. — Thu, 19 Dec 2002 18:08:52 +0000

After a little “something” for Crimbo/Xmas (depending on which side of the Atlantic you are from)? All alone at home? Well, have I got the perfect gift for you!

The Real Hamster is “the world’s finest love hamster” and is realistic, lifesize, lifelike (“anatomically correct, if better endowed than most real hamsters”), beautiful, and elastic (“remains tight even after millions of operations”).

Yep, just like that strange human-shaped Real Doll you can get (sorry – no link’s as it’s a bit “too” Adult for linking from here: but use Google), you can select the “Body Type” you want, “Head Type”, fur, nose and eye colour/color as well as any “extras”.

So, if you love animals in more than “one way” and don’t want to break the law – then order away!

Oh, and the “Original Dancing Hampsters” have a Christmas dance (you can still see the original hamster dance at a number of mirror sites). Ahh – listening to that little clip made me get out my copy of Cognoscenti Vs Intelligentsia which was a single by the Cuban Boys with a “full length” song of the Hamster Dance.

Weird: Masturbation Euphemisms

Richy C. — Tue, 17 Dec 2002 20:34:36 +0000

Ok, I started with a list of 2062 synonyms for Male Genitalia last Wednesday (along with doing a little follow up on Thursday) – but what do men “do” with it?

Yep – it’s “increase your vocabulary” time again! So may I present “Euphemisms for ‘that solo activity’ known as masturbation” (now watch my blog get censored for mentioning “that word” ).

Worryingly enough, I’ve managed to find 581 synonyms for male masturbation – but only 35 for female…

(Oh – the picture? Think “Arm Aerobics”, “Bash The Candle” and “Battling the purple-helmet warrior”).

Male Masturbation Euphemisms

[Skip to Female Masturbation Euphemisms]

Abusing the wicked stick
Accosting the Oscar Meyer
Addressing MrPalmer
Appropriate the means
Arm aerobics
Backstroke Roulette
Battling the purple-helmet warrior
Bash the bishop
Bash the Candle
Beat Off
Beat Pete
Beat the Bologna
Beat the Bishop
Beat the Butter
Beat the Dummy
Beat the Meat
Beat the Stick
Bleed the Weed
Blow Your Load
Beat your meat like it owes you money
Bequeath your genes
Beta testing your hardware
Bleed the lizard
Bleed the weed
Bloating the vein
Blow your load
Bludgeon the Beefsteak
Bob the hog
Bombing the German helmut
Bop the Baloney
Box the Jesuit
Boxin’ the Bozak
Boxin the Ballsack
Break one off
Break you off at the wrist
Bringing MrWeasel back from the dead
Buck the bone
Buff the banana
Buff the mushroom
Buff the wood
Burp the baldman
Burp the worm
Bust a nut
Butter the corn
Charge the rod
Charm the serpent/snake
Check the oil
Chipping wood
Choke the Chicken
Choke the Sheriff and Wait for the Posse to Come
Choke Charlie ’till he chunders
Chong your schlong
Churning butter
Clean your pipes
Clean Your Rifle
Closing the deal
Clubbing the baby seal
Cocking some soup
Come into your own
Communicating with Red Leader One
Conking the Cardinal
Converse with Harry Palm
Corralling the tadpoles
Crab tease
Crack off a batch
Cracking off
Cracking the bat
Crank the Shank
Crown the King
Cuff the Carrot
Culture the American Blood Sausage
Date Palmala Handerson
Date Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Diddle
Diddling the dinky
Dilly with the willy
Dinging the dong
Discipline your soldier
Discussing Uganda
Disobey the Pope
Doin’ extra credit
Doin’ the Hand Jive
Donkey Spank
Downloading from your own website
Dra en handtralla
Drain Charle’s Dickens
Drain the monster
Driving the skin bus
Drizzle the squid
Dry-firing your musket
Dunking the dolphin
Dusting the old trophy
Educating Peter
Empty the cannon
Encapsulate your probe
Erupting Vesuvius
Evacuating Tatooine
Evicting the testicular squatters
Excercise your rights
Express yourself
Extracting some crack spackle
Facha la manuela
Feed the ducks
Feed the fist
Fencing with the pork sword
Fidget with your digit
Fight the Champ
Firing off a round
Firing the flesh musket
Fire the hand cannon
Fire the Surgeon General
Fire the wobbly warhead
Fist Fuck
Fist kebabing
Fist of fury
Fist your mister
Fist Your Monster
Five Against One
Five knuckle shuffle
Fixing the Hubble
Flail the whale
Flog the Dog
Flog the Hog
Flog Your Dong
Flute Solo
Fondle the Fig
Gallop the Antelope
Give It a Tug
Grease the Pipe
Hacerse la manuela
Hacerse la paja
Hack the Hog
Hack off
Hand crank
Hand Job
Hand to gland combat
Hand Work
Have It Off
Having a whack attack
Having a staff meeting
Helping the python shed its skin
Herkin the Gherkin
Hit on Rosy Palm
Hitchhike under the big top
Hittin’ the wood
Hump the horn
Hump your hose
Huskin’ corn
Hold the bold
Hold the mayo
Hotdog-a-rama
Ignite the Lightsaber
Infiltrate your crabs
Innoculate the newborn
Introducing the Master of Ceremonies
Jackhammer
Jack Off
Jack the corn
Jack the sack
Jack the joystick
Jack your Jizz
Jack your monkey
Jack yourself
Jack’n the beanstalk
Jam the joystick
Jalarle el pescuezo al ganso
Jazz Yourself
Jerk Off
Jerk the Gherkin
Jerk the Turk
Jerk your rope
Jerkin’ the jerky
Jerkin’ the noodle
Jerkin’ the wheel
Jiggling the dice
Jostling your Elder
Juice your fruit
Jumping to Delight Speed
Kill the Pope
Knock on wood
Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump
Lap-based web browsingrowsing
Lash the length
Launching the Tadpoles
Lehavi Bayad
Lightening the load
Lighting the candle
Lightsaber practice with Captain Solo
Little pinky hit the slinky
Loading the cannon
Locking your roommate out so you can call your parents
Lope the mule
Lope the pork sword
Lube the cord
Make one-eye cry
Make the bald man puke
Make silly with the willy
Making a six-fist
Making duck butter
Making the Kessel Run
Making oyster soup
Making pancakes on your stomach
Making wall-paper paste
Manipulate the mango
Manistrupation
Mannin’ the Cannon
Manual override
Manually assisted wet dream
Manually increasing the surface temperature of the ship’s primary cannon by repeated linear manipulation
Manually targeting the Rebel Base
Massage the fireman’s neck
Massage the one-eyed monk
Maximize your potency
Meet MrsPalmer and her five daughters
Meet your right-hand man
Messin’ with Moby
Milk the lizard
Milk the maggot
Milk the member
Mix up a batch
Mount a corporal and a four
Murder the Bishop
Mustard on the burger
Nerk Your Throbber
Oil the glove
Onan’s olympics
Onanera
One-eye target practice
One-hand jam
One-man show
One off the wrist
Oscillating the Oscar Meyer
Pack Your Palm
Packaging the ol’ sausage
Paddle the Pickle
Paint the Pickle
Paint the CeilingPassing math
Pat the Robertson
Peeling the chile
Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
Perm your poodle
Petting the silk worm
Petting the snake
Petting the Wookie
Phone the czar
Pitch a knuckle ball
Play with your Willy Wanker
Playing closet Frisbee
Playing Nintendo
Playing the fiddle
Playing the flesh trombone
Playing the hairy banjo
Playing the man-flute
Playing the pink oboe
Playing the skin flute
Playing a solo on your meat whistle
Playing soapy Peter
Playing with the pink Power Ranger
Playing with your 6th finger
Playing with your big Alien
Playing Yahtzee
Please your pisser
Pluckin’ your chicken
Plunk your twanger
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Pocket the rocket
Polish the bayonet
Polish the bishop
Polish the knob
Polish the log
Polish the Oscar
Polish the pole
Polish the rocket
Polish the shooter
Polish the sword
Polish the Viper
Polish Vader’s Helmet
Polish your antlers
Polish your helmet
Polish your horn
Polishing Charlie Brown
Polishing Percy
Popping the zit
Portuguese Pump
Pound off
Pound the bobo
Pound the pelican
Pound the pudding
Pound your flounder
Pound your pud
Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin
Practice the Heimlich Maneuver
Practice your Kung-Fu Grip
Prime the womb cannon
Puff the one-eyed dragon
Pull off
Pull one out
Pull the ducks neck
Pull the root
Pull the pole
Pull the pope
Pull your pud
Pull the pudding
Pull your prick
Pull Your Taffy
Pulling a solo session
Pulling on Peter
Pulling the goalie
Pummel the love truncheon
Pump the monkey
Pump the python
Pumping gas at the self-service island
Punching the clown
Punchin’ the Munchkin’
Punching your puppet
Punish the Harlequin
Punish the penguin
Putting the seminal luge team through their paces
Raise the flag
Rake your meat
Ram the ham
Ravage the innocent
Read ‘em his rights
Reenact Old Faithful
Releasing the hostages
Releasing the Special Edition
Rewinding your tape
Ride the great white knuckler
Ringing for the elevator
Rolfing the piglet
Rob the knob
Rockin’ the rhubarb
Rollig the dice
Rolling your quarters
Rope the goat
Rope the pony
Rough up the suspect
Rub off
Rub one out
Rub the tub
Rub your head
Ruminating and pondering
Run a batch
Runka
Running Peter through two-a-days
Running the whack-a-thon
Sailors’ joy
Salute the sailor
Sanding the banister
Schplitzing your schmeckel
Scratching Yoda behind the ears
Sewing the seed
Shag
Shake the snake
Shake the weasel
Shakin’ hands with little Elvis
Shakin’ hands with MrHappy
Shakin’ hands with MrWinkie
Shakin’ hands with the unemployed
Shakin’ hands with Yule Brenner
Shakin’ your fist at the ex-girlfriend
Shakin’ your hands at the sky
Shakin’ your own maracas
Shifting gears
Shine the barrel
Shine your dolphin
Shine the hose
Shine your pole
Shoe shine
Shoot your squirt
Shoot your wak
Shooting craps
Shooting the bedroom gun
Shooting the shark
Shooting Womprats in Beggar’s Canyon
Shooting putty at the moon
Shuffle the deck
Sifting through the nest to find mama bird
Single dingles
Siphoning off the tank
Slakin’ the bacon
Slammin’ the salmon
Slam the ham
Slam the hammer
Slam the salomi
Slam the spam
Slap your head
Slappin’ Pappy
Slappin’ the Cap’n
Slapping the clown
Slapping the salomi
Slaying the one-eyed monster
Slimmer
Sling some spooge
Sling the jelly
Slog the log
Smacking the sausage
Snap the carrot
Snap the Monkey
Snap the radish
Snap the Rubber
Snap the Whip
Snuggle the nozzle
Soldier’s Joy
Soldier’s toy
Solo spit
Soviet U-boat Commander Jackoff Ruboneoff
Spackling the ceiling
Spam Wham
Spank the carrot
Spank the frank
Spank the hangdown
Spank the monkey
Spank the Salami
Spank the tank
Spank the wank
Spank your little boy
Spela fickpingis
Spela skinntrombon
Spinning the record
Spit one off
Spit the seeds
Spit-shining the boots
Splat the cat
Sprayin’ the spectators
Spreading some super life
Sprinklin’ the lawn
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze the lemon
Squeezing the cream filling from the twinkie
Squeezing the Creamy Filter
Squeezing the squid
Squirt one off
Squirtin’ Burton
Straddle your paddle
Strangle MrJesus
Strangle the dangle
Stroking it
Stroking Steven
Stroking the Scooby
Stroking the schlong
Stroke off
Stroke the dog
Stroke the goat
Stroke your ego
Stroke your poker
Stroke the purple-nosed gusset ferret
Stroke the trumpet
Stroke your poker
Stroke your wookie
Strokem your scrotum
Stuck in left field
Suffocate the organ
Surfing on the Milky Highway
Taffy pulling contest
Taffy tugger
Tajja
Take a beating
Take a load off your mind
Take a ride on the mean spanking machine
Take little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle Junction
Take matters into your own hands
Take ol’ stiff neck to the movies
Take yourself in hand
Taking a client up to the Yajima Factory
Taking hand
Tame the bald headed mouse
Tame the monster
Tame the shrew
Teach your dog to spit
Teach yourself a lesson
Teach Yule Brenner some respect
Tease the weenie
Tenderize the meat
Test-fire the Death Star
Test the flashlight
The Five-Knuckle Shuffle
The tube of cream
Thump the Pump
Thropping your marrow
Throw the ball around
Throw out
Thump the pump
Tickling your Elmo
Tickle your pickle
Tinkering with the R2 unit
Trim your antlers
Trim your horn
Tocar con mi pinga
Torment the Trouser Trout
Torquing the wrench
Toss off
Tossing the ham javelin
Train the Love Porpoise
Trying to pull something off
Tug o’ war with ol’ Cyclops
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tuning the fork
Turn the knob
Tweak your twiddle
Twirl the squirrel
Twist your turnip
Twistin’ the Piston
Umroj
Unleash the fury
Unloading passengers from the five-car train
Unsheathing the meatsaber
Unsheathing the pork sword
Vaccinate the baby
Varnish the flagpole
Virtual sex
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
Vomit the viper
Wack the weasel
Walk the dog
Walking old one-eye
Wank
Wank the crank
Wanking one-eyed Willy
Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm
Wanking the scube
Warming up the altar boys’ dinner
Washing the goose’s neck
Washing the hog
Wasting babies
Wave the wand
Wax the bean
Wax the board
Wax the Buick
Wax the candle stick
Wax the carrot
Wax the dolphin
Wax the musket
Wax the womb broom
Wax your surfboard
Whack off
Whack on your back
Whack little Mac
Whack the pud
Whack the yak
Whack your Magic Johnson
Whack you willy
Whip off
Whip the dummy
Whip the wire
Whip your dripper
Whippin’ the mule
Whippin’ the pony
Whippin’ the weasel
Whipping Dripping
Whipping your Skippy
Whipping your Willy
Whizzin’ Jizzum
Whittling Dixie
Willy spitting
Willy wanking
Winding the Wurlitzer
Wonk your conker
Work off
Workin’ the Jerkin
Wrestle the eel
Wrestle the bald-headed champion
Wrestle with Cyclops
Wring out your rope
Wringin’ the towel
Wringin’ out the tube steak
Yang your wang
Yank off
Yank the crank
Yank the plank
Yank the shank
Yank the yam
Yank the Yoda
Yank your strap
Yank your wank
Yankee your Wankee
Yerk off
Yoinkin’ off
Yuckin’ your choad
Zoot Flute Riot

Female Masturbation Euphemisms

[Skip back to Male Masturbation Euphemisms]

Beat the Beaver
Clap Your Clit
Cleaning the Cockies Cage
Clean the Ridge
Clintons Cave
Cookin Cucumbers
Defrost the fridge
Dead Fish Tango
Finger
Finger Fuck
Finger Job
Fingernail Board Work
Gettin’ It Wet
Greasin’ the Gash
Hand Trip
Hide the Hot Dog
Hit the Slit
Hose Your Hole
Juice Your Sluice
Let the Beaver Swim
Makin’ Some Soup
Monica’s Marble
Oil The Saddle Bags
Pet the Poodle
Row The Boat
Rub The Budgies Head
Rub The Pear Stone
Rub The Rim
She-Bop
Slam the Clam
Split The Fur
Tickle the Taco
Tickle the Little Man In The Boat
Two-Finger Tango
Water the Garden

Weird: Origami Boulder

Richy C. — Sun, 15 Dec 2002 12:39:54 +0000

Are you looking for an unusual present to get someone this Christmas? Well, how about something that combines the Japanese craft of Origami, the simplicity of a piece of paper and the conceptual masterpiece and design of a boulder/rock? Yep – you can know own (for the low cost price of just $10) your own Wadded Paper Origami Boulder – for an extra $5 you can also get it with a Haiku poem.

As the artist says: “This very nice artwork that come with card and make good gift for your friend. Your friend never forget you when you send fine art gift like this! I am famous Internet artist, so original wadded paper origami art become VERY VALUABLE some day. Especially haiku version, because it is double artwork.”.

Hmm – what a shame my Christmas shopping is nearly complete: I doubt they would have been able to ship it to me in time anyway…

Weird: Male Genitalia: Part The Deux

Richy C. — Thu, 12 Dec 2002 22:42:47 +0000

Yep, there’s a continuation from yesterday’s Male Genitalia post. It’s just that Neil‘s comment reminded me of a few songs I had heard concerning it, so may I present:

The Penis Song – by Monty Python
A nice little ditty – imagine Noel Coward performing it whilst playing a piano.

and

Pet Names For Genitalia – by Tom Green.
This song is often thought to be by one of my favourite artists: Weird Al Yankovic, but it’s not from him! Yes – that’s how I came across the song: I got sent it and was told it was by Al…

Unfortunately, despite listening to quite a bit of Jasper Carrott and searching the net, I’ve found no reference (well, apart from someone remarking to someone else “Did you see Jasper Carrott last night then?”) to the Jasper Carrott recital that Neil mentioned. If anyone can give me a clue (say, for example, a line of lyrics or something) then I can see what I can do.

Women – don’t worry about “missing out” with all the mention of penises – your time will cum. (And there ends today’s course in double innuendos).

From Monty Python’s Flying Circus: Meaning Of Life:

Penis Song
a.k.a. The Not Noel Coward Song

Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?
It’s swell to have a stiffy.
It’s divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world’s biggest prick.
So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife’s best friend,Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don’t take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won’t come back.

From Tom Green (to the tune of “We didn’t start the fire”):

Pet Names For Genitalia

Mutton Dagger, old blind bob, hanging jonny, fishing rod
Tally wacker, pocket rocket, one-eyed trouser trout
Ding Dong, ankle spanker, pork sword, engine cranker, harry hotdog, davy crockett
let them all hang out

Pet names for genitalia
You know the girls think of ‘em
And ya gotta love them
Pet names for genitalia
There’s always something silly
About little willy

Salty Pedro, hooded pipe, flesh train, orgasmic pike
Veined plunger, unmanned sub, gobblers delight
Slimy vine, hairy carrot, fruit of the forest, mute parrot, litter picker, button flicker,
Touch ‘em if you like

Pet names for genitalia
You know the girls think of ‘em
And ya gotta love them
Pet names for genitalia
There’s always something silly
About little willy

Tongue twister, meaty pole, flailing sausage, hardened roll,
Stiff drink, bloody tackle, rapid-fire love gun
Spitting Bishop, liquid pump, pleasure weapon, roasted rump, skin baton, joy device
Don’t they look like fun

Pet names for genitalia
You know the girls think of ‘em
And ya gotta love them
Pet names for genitalia
There’s always something silly
About little willy

Wang, wazoo, weeny, wacker, pecker, peebee, kidney cracker
Heat-seeking moisture missile, giggle stick, love whistle
Tube steak, uncle dick, this is getting really sick
I’m not through, there’s one more
PURPLE-HELMET WARRIOR!!

Pet names for genitalia
You know the girls think of ‘em
And ya gotta love them
Pet names for genitalia
There’s always something silly
About little willy

Pet names for genitalia
You know the girls think of ‘em
And ya gotta love them
Pet names for genitalia

Weird: Male Genitalia

Richy C. — Wed, 11 Dec 2002 01:06:21 +0000

Don’t you just hate it how sometimes someone’s blog post can get you searching for something (in my case it was a quote from Austin Powers 2 that I could only partially recall) and you come across something that makes you eyes jump out?

Yep. Me too. But a list I found of different names for male genitalia is just shocking in it’s completeness (I could only find a Google cache, so I’ll copy the list here for posterity).

I must have led a very sheltered life up to know to only know around a dozen or so of these references… So, for those of you who have covered sexual education in school – here’s a list of 2062 synonyms for ‘that part’ of a man:

CP: Circumcised Penis (A Penis which has had the foreskin removed via Circumcision)
EP: Erect Penis
FP: Flaccid or impotent Penis
F : Foreskin
G : Genitals
GP: Glans Penis (The rounded, gland-like head of the penis)
LP: Large Penis/Male with a large penis
P : Penis
PH: Pubic Hair (The hair around the scrotum and base of the penis)
S : Scrotum
T : Testicles (Where Sperm is produced)
UP: Uncircumcised Penis (A Penis complete with the foreskin)
UM: Urethral Meatus (The opening at the tip of the penis to allow the passage of both urine and semen)

That’s the definitions, now for the list itself:

3-4-2-5 (P)
4-11-44 (P)
a bit of stiff (EP)
Aaron’s rod (P)
abominable pants worm (P)
Abraham (P)
accordion (P)
accoutrements (G)
ace (P)
ace poker (P)
acorn (GP)
acorns (T)
acucullus (CP)
adamantine organon (EP)
Adams arsenal (G)
Adam’s dagger (P)
Adam’s whip (P)
affair (G)
agate (P)
all-beef sausage (P)
all forlorn (EP)
allsbay (T)
almond (P)
almond rock (P)
almond rock candy (GP)
amblyopic organ (P)
angle (P)
animated ivory (P)
anteater (P)
apparatus (P)
apparatus urogenitalis (G)
appendage (P)
appropriate member (P)
apricots (T)
arbor vitae (P)
arm (P)
arm of love (P)
armored division (P)
arrow (P)
arse-opener (P)
arse worm (P)
arse-wedge (P)
arser (P)
artillerie de Cupidon (P)
artillerie de Venus (P)
ass-opener (P)
ass-wedge (P)
auger (P)
auxiliaries (G)
baby (P)
baby beef (P)
baby-grinder (P)
baby-maker (P)
baby-makers (T)
babys arm (P/LP)
baby’s forarm (P/LP)
Bacchus march (EP)
back wheels (T)
bacon (P)
bacon bazooka (P)
badger (P)
bag (S)
bag-filler (P)
bag of fruits (S)
bag of tricks (S)
bagadga (P)
baggage (T/G)
baggette (P)
bagpipes (G)
bags (T)
bald eagle (G)
bald-headed candidate (P/CP/GP)
bald-headed hermit (P/CP/GP)
bald-headed mouse (P/CP/GP)
bald-headed rat (P/CP/GP)
bald man (P)
ball bag (S)
ball sack (S)
Balkans (T)
Ballarat (EP)
ball bag (S)
ball basket (S)
ball sack (S)
ballock bag (S)
ballocks (T)
balls (T)
balls and bat (G)
baloney (P)
baloney pony (P)
bamboo stick (P)
banana (P)
banana skin (F)
band-member (P)
banger (P)
bangers (T)
bangles (T)
banjo string (P)
bannocks (T)
bar (P)
bar on (EP)
barge pole (P)
basket (G)
basketful of meat (G)
bat (P)
bat and balls (G)
baton (P)
batter (LP)
battering piece (P)
battering ram (P)
battlefat (P)
bauble (P)
baubles (T)
bawbles (T)
bayonet (EP)
baz (PH)
bazooka (P)
bazooka shooter (P)
BD drill (P)
beak (P)
bean (P)
bean pods (T)
bean pole (P)
bean-shooter (P)
bean-tosser (P)
beard-splitter (P)
beating tool (P)
beaver cleaver (P)
beaver lever (P)
bed flute (P)
Beecham’s pills (T)
beef (P)
beef bayo with extra mayo (P)
beef bayonet (P)
beef jerky (P)
beef stick (P)
beef whistle (P)
beer can (P/L)
bell (P)
bell-end (of the penis) (GP)
bell-rope (P)
bell-swagged (P)
belly bristles (PH)
belly ruffian (P)
belly thicket (PH)
belly-whiskers (PH)
belongings (G)
below the navel (G)
belt buster (P)
bent dick (FP)
bent stick (FP)
berries (T)
best friend (P)
best leg of three (P)
best part (of a male/man) (P)
Bethlehem Steel (EP)
bicho (P)
big bamboo (P)
big Ben (P)
big bird (P)
big bite (P)
big brother (P)
big daddy (P)
big dipper (P)
big fella (P)
Big Foot Joe (LP)
big head (P)
big hunk of meat (P)
Big Jim and the twins (G)
big one (P)
big piece of meat (P)
big red (P)
big wand (P)
bilbo (P)
billiards (T)
billy (P)
billy and doo (G)
billy club (P)
bingey (P)
biological reaction (EP)
biological response (EP)
bird (P)
bird’s eggs (T)
bishop (P)
bishop’s miter (GP)
bit of beef (G)
bit of hard (EP)
bit of stiff (EP)
biteful (P)
bits (G)
black limo (P)
black pencil (P)
black snake (P)
blackjack (P)
blade (P)
blanket stiff (P)
blind (P)
blind as a boiled turnip (UP)
Blind Bob (P)
blind buckler (P)
blind meat (UP)
blind piece (P)
blinds (F)
blood-breaker (P)
blow pop (P)
blow stick (P)
blowtorch (P)
bludgeon (P)
blue steeler (EP)
blue thimble (P)
blue vein (EP)
blue-veined custard chucker (P)
blue-veined junket pump(er) (P)
blue-veined hooligan (P)
blue-veined piccolo (P)
blue-veined steak (P)
blue-veined throbber (P)
blue-veined trumpet (P)
blue veiner (EP)
blunt end (P)
bobblers (T)
bobbles (T)
bobby-dangler (P)
bobbys anorak (F)
bobby’s helmet (GP)
bobstay (P)
bobtail (P)
bodkin (P)
body’s captain (P)
bogga (G)
bomhead (GP)
bonbons (T)
bone (P/EP)
bone in the leg (EP)
bone-on (EP)
bone phone (P)
bone-up (EP)
boneless appendage (of the male) (P)
boneless fish (P)
boneless stiff (P)
boner (P/EP)
boneroni (P)
bonfire (P)
bonk-on (EP)
booboos (T)
boss and his two helpers (G)
botuliform genital pendant of the male (P)
bow (P)
bowsprit (P)
boy (P)
boy toy (P)
bozack (S)
branch (P)
brat-getter (P)
broom handle (P)
bristle up (EP)
broomstick (P)
Brown Joe (P)
bruiser (P)
brush (P)
bubbly jack (P)
bubbly jock (P)
bubus (T)
bucking bronco (P)
Buckinger’s boot (V)
buddy (P)
buffing stick (P)
bug-fucker (P)
bugle (P)
bulge (EP)
bullets (T)
bullish (P)
bulp (GP)
bum balls (T)
bum tickler (P)
bun puncher (P)
bun spreader (P)
bung (P)
burrito (P)
bush (PH)
bush beater (P)
bush whacker (P)
business (G)
buster (P)
butcher (P/LP)
butt basher (P)
butt smasher (P)
butterfinger (P)
button buster (P)
button mushroom (P)
button-short (P)
buttonhole worker (P)
BVH (P)
cafe curtains (F)
camel complaint (EP)
Canadian bacon (UP)
canary (P)
candle (P)
candy (P)
candy cane (P)
candy stick (P)
cannon (P)
captain (P)
Captain Hard (EP)
Captain Hightop the Love Commander (P)
Captain Hogseye (P)
Captain One-Eye (P)
Captain Picard (P)
Captain Standish (EP)
carnal member (P)
carnal part (P)
carnal parts (G)
carnal stump (P)
carrot (P)
carry a big stick (LP)
cartes (P)
carts (P)
cartso (P)
cartzo (P)
catso (P)
catzo (P)
Casey (P)
cavalier (UP)
cavity probe (P)
change purse (UP)
chanticleer (P)
charger (P)
Charles the Bald (P)
charleys (T)
charlies (T)
chaud (P)
cheesy bell-end (GP)
cheesy bunnet (P)
cheesy wheelbarrow (P)
cherry birch (P)
cherry picker (P)
cherry splitter (P)
chestnuts (T)
chicken mc nuggets (T)
chicken neck (UP)
chibi (P)
child-getter (P)
chimney-stopper (P)
chingus (P)
chink-stopper (P)
choad (P)
chode (P)
choker (LP)
chones (T)
chooza (P)
chopped cock (CP)
chopper (P)
Chris Hardwick (P)
Christ and two apostles (G)
Christmas crakers (T)
christener (P)
chub (P)
chubby (P/EP)
chuckies (T)
chull (P)
chum (P)
chunky monkey (P)
chutney ferret (P)
cinnamon stick (P)
clappers (T)
clava (P)
cleat (GP)
clipped dick (CP)
club (P)
cluster (P)
cobbs (T)
cobs (T)
cobblers (T)
cobbler’s awls (T)
cobbler’s stall (T)
cobra (P)
cock (P)
cock of death (P)
cock-on (EP)
cock-stand (EP)
cockaroony (P)
cocked (EP)
cocked gun (EP)
cockhead (GP)
cockknuckle (cock knuckle) (GP)
cockles (T)
cockoroony (P)
cockroach (P)
cockstand (EP)
cocktus erectus (P)
cocky (P/LP)
coconuts (T)
cod (S)
codpiece (P)
cods (T)
coffee stalls (T)
cojones (T)
cold meat (FP)
cold pig (FP)
Colleen Bawn (EP)
come factories (T)
command module (GP)
Compass of the Netherland (P)
concern (P)
concrete donkey (EP)
conkers (T)
cookies (G)
coolies (T)
copper stick (P/EP)
coral branch (P)
corker (P)
corn beef cudgel (P)
corpuscle (P)
Corsican (P)
cory (P)
coupler (P)
coupling bat (P)
crab ladder (P)
crack a fat (EP)
crack hunter (P)
crackerjacks (T)
cracking tool (P)
cracksman (P)
crank (P)
crankshaft (P)
cranny hunter (P)
cream crackers (T)
cream-stick (P)
credentials (G)
cremorne (P)
crimson chitterling (P)
crimson crowbar (P/EP)
crook (P)
crotch (G)
crotch cartilage (P)
crotch cobra (P)
crotch rocket (P)
crowbar (P)
crowd pleaser (P)
crown jewels (G/T)
crumpet-trumpet (P)
cuckoo (P)
cucumber (P/LP)
cullions (T)
culls (T)
culty-gun (P)
cum factories (T)
cum slinger (P)
cunny-catcher (P)
cunt-stabber (P)
cunt-stand (EP)
cunt-sticker (P)
cunt-stirrer (P)
cunt-stretcher (EP)
Cupid’s torch (EP)
curls (PH)
curlies (PH)
curly hairs (PH)
curtains (F)
custard-chucker (P)
cut out to be a gentleman (CP)
cut out to be a man (CP)
cutlass (P)
cuts (T)
Cyclops (P)
daddy longdick (P)
daddy bag (S)
daddy mack (P)
dagger (P)
damsons (T)
dang (P)
dangers (G/T)
dangle (P)
dangle-dong (P)
dangler (LP/FP)
danglers (T)
dangling participle(s) (P/G)
dart (of love) (P)
dawn horn (EP)
dead lizard (FP)
dead meat (FP)
dead rabbit (FP)
dead soldier (FP)
dead stick (FP)
dead worm (FP)
deadwood (FP)
dear morsel (P)
dearest member (P)
delight of women (P)
derrick (P)
devil (P)
diamond cutter (P)
diamonds (T)
dibble (P)
dick (P)
dick butkiss (P)
dick-tator (P)
dick up (EP)
dick wheat (PH)
dickery-dock (P)
Dickie (Dicky; Dickey) (P)
Dickie and the boys (G)
dickory dock (P)
dicky (P)
diddly-whacker (P)
digitis erectus (EP)
dill (P)
dilly-whacker (P)
dimple-dick (P)
ding (P)
ding-a-ling (P)
ding-dangs (T)
ding-dong (P)
ding-dongs (T)
dingbat (P)
dingbats (G)
dinghy (P)
dingle (P)
dingle-dangle (P/FP)
dingo (P)
dingus (P)
dingy (P)
dink (P)
dinosaur (P)
dipstick (P)
dirk (P)
divining rod (P/EP)
do-dads (T)
do-funny (P)
do-hickies (G)
do-jigger (P)
do-johnny (P)
dobber (P)
Doctor Cocker (P)
Doctor Johnson (P)
dodads (T)
dofunny (P)
dog (P)
dohickey (P)
dohickie (P)
dohickeys (G)
dohickies (G)
dohinger (P)
dojigger (P)
dojiggers (T)
dojohnnie (P)
dolly (P)
dolphin (FL)
donaker (P)
dong (P)
dong and gongs (G)
donger (P)
donkey (LP)
donkey dick (LP)
donkey-dicked (LP)
donkey-rigged (LP)
donkified (LP)
donniker (P)
donut holder (P)
doodad (P)
doodads (T)
doodle (P/FP)
doodle-flap (P/FP)
doohicky (P)
doover (P)
doowhackey (P)
dopper (P)
dork (P)
down below (G)
down-led (P)
down there (G)
drain pipe (P)
draped (LP)
drapes (F)
dribble-cock (P)
driving post (P)
drooper (FP)
drooping member (FP)
dropping member (FP)
droopy (FP)
drumstick (P)
ducky-bird (P)
dummy (P)
dust cover for the cunt (P)
dusters (T)
dydus (P)
eager pleaser (P)
eel (P)
eggs (in the basket) (T)
eggwhite cannon (P)
ejac vac (P)
eleventh finger (P)
Elmer Pudd (P)
end (GP)
enemy (P)
engine (P)
engine of love (P)
English sentry (EP)
enob (P)
equipment (G)
erected spermapositor (EP)
erectile urogenital appendage (P)
erectio penis (EP)
erectivation (EP)
Eric Shun (EP)
essentials (G)
everlasting gobstopper (P)
extra digit (P)
extra skin (F)
eye dropper (P)
eye-hole (UM)
eye-opener (P)
eye of the Bishop (UM)
fags toothbrush (P)
faggots toothbrush (P)
family jewels (T/G)
family organ (P)
fancy work (G)
fanny ferret (P)
Fat Frank (P)
fat one (EP)
fat peter (P)
father-of-all (P)
ferret (P)
fiddle bow (P)
fiddlestick (fiddle-stick) (P)
fiddling stick (P)
figs (T)
finger puppet (P)
firm worm (P/EP)
first leg of three (P)
fish stick (P)
fixed bayonet (EP)
flack (T)
flag (EP)
flagpole (EP)
flap-doodle (flapdoodle) (P/FP)
flapper (P/FP)
flesh pencil (P)
flip-flap (FP)
flounder (FP)
flowers and frolics (T)
flute (P)
foaming beef probe (P)
fool-sticker (P)
foot long (P)
forbidden zone (G)
foreman (P)
fornicating engine (P)
fornicating member (P)
fornicating tool (P)
fornicator (P)
fountain pen (P)
Fred (P)
frick (T)
frick and frack (T)
frigamajig (P)
front porch (G)
fruit for the monkey (P)
fuck-meat (P)
fuck muscle (P)
fuck pole (P)
fuck-rod (P)
fuck-stick (P)
fucker (P)
fucking stick (P)
fucking tool (P)
fuckstick (P)
fud packer (P)
fun and frolics (T)
fun bone (P)
fun-stick (P)
fun-zone (G)
funk-stick (P)
funmaker (P)
gadget (P)
gadgets (T/G)
gadso (P)
gap-stopper (P)
gardener (P)
gargantuan organum virile (P)
gator (P)
gaying instrument (P)
gear (P/G)
gear and tool (G)
gearbox (G)
gearstick (P)
gearstick d’amour (P)
General smuts (T)
generating tool (P)
generation tool (P)
generative organ (G)
genital coupler (P)
genital forefoot (P)
genital pound of flesh (P)
genital reamer (P)
genital staff (P)
genital shaft (P)
genital tentacle (P)
genitalia (G)
gentle fist (P)
gentle tittler (P)
gentleman (P)
gentleman’s appendage (P)
German helmet (GP)
get a stand (EP)
gherkin (P)
gifted (LP)
giggle stick (P)
giggling pin (P)
gingambobs (G/T)
girl catcher (P)
girlometer (P)
glands (T)
globes (T)
glory pole (P)
glow rod (P)
glow stick (P)
gnarled root of love (P)
goat (P)
goatees (T)
goatskin (F)
gobstopper (P)
Gods revenge on a woman (P)
golden rivet (EP)
gonads (T)
gones (T)
goober (P)
good foot (P)
good parts (G)
good time (prison use) (P)
goolies (T)
gooseberries (T)
goose’s neck (P)
gooser (P)
goot (P)
gooter (P)
gorilla salad (PH)
goy toy (P)
grand bag (S)
gravy-giver (P)
gravy-maker (P)
grew proud below the navel (EP)
grinding tool (P)
gristle (P)
gristle-stick (P)
groceries (G)
groin (G)
guided missile (P)
gully-raker (P)
gun (P)
gut-stick (gutstick) (P)
hacker (P)
hair divider (P)
hair splitter (P)
hairless wonder (P)
hairy banana (P)
hairy conkers (T)
hairy saddlebags (S)
hairy sausage (P)
half a cob (P/FP)
ham and two eggs (G)
ham howitzer (P)
hambone (P)
Hamilton Wick (P)
hammer (P)
Hampton Wick (P)
hand made (LP)
hand reared (LP)
hand-staff (handstaff) (P)
handle (P)
hang-down (P/LP)
Hanging Johnny (FP)
hangers (T)
happy sack (S)
hard (EP)
hard-bit (EP)
hard head (EP)
hard-on (EP)
hard salami (P)
hard-up (EP)
hardened spermapositor (EP)
Hardhat Harry (P)
hardware (G)
harpoon (P)
hat rack (P)
have a bone (EP)
have a bone-on (EP)
have a boner (EP)
have a hard-on (EP)
have a horn (EP)
have a rod-on (EP)
having it on (EP)
he-thing (P)
heat in the meat (EP)
heat seeking missile (P)
heat seeking moisture missile (P)
heirlooms (T)
helmet (GP)
helmet pelmet (F)
Henry Halls (T)
Herman the One-eyed German (P)
hermit (P)
hickey (P)
hidden treasure (G)
hidden tumor (EP)
higgumbobs (T)
His Majesty in purple cap (P)
hissing Sid (P)
ho-handle (P)
hock (P)
hodge dog (P)
hoe-handle (P)
hog (P)
hogger (P)
hole puncher (P)
holiday money (G)
holy poker (P)
holy pole (P)
honker (LP)
honorable prick (P)
hopping bug (P)
horn, the (EP)
horn-colic (EP)
hornification (EP)
horse’s handbrake (EP)
horsemeat (LP)
hose (P)
hot dog (P)
hot member (P)
hot rod (P)
hotchee (P)
huevos (T)
hugen (P)
human enema (P)
humpmobile (P)
hung (P)
hung like a bull (T)
hung like a dinosaur (P)
hung like a horse (P)
hung like a rabbit (T)
hung like a stallion (T)
hunk of meat (P)
husbandman of nature (P)
ice cream machine (P)
ID (P)
idol (P)
in full fig (EP)
in full orchestra (G)
in one’s Sunday best (EP)
in one’s Sunday clothes (EP)
inch (P)
inch instrument (P)
instrument (P)
instrumentum erectum (P)
interstitial glands (T)
intimate bits (G)
intimate parts (G)
intromittent organ (P)
Irish horse (FP)
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Polyphemus (P)
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Principal Skinner (UP/F)
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purse (S/T)
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Roger the Lodger (P)
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shaft (P/EP)
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sporting some wood (P)
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Spunky (P)
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Thomas (P)
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throbbing muscle of pure love (EP)
throbbing python (of love) (EP)
thumb (P)
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zubrick (P)

Weird: Shutdown the Internet

Richy C. — Mon, 09 Dec 2002 06:29:17 +0000

You all know to shut down your computer properly at night/when you finish don’t you? Well – did you remember to shut down the Internet correctly when you had finished using it?

No? Well, next time – remember to take your Javascript enabled web browser over to Turn Off The Internet and safely shutdown the Internet when you’ve finished with it.

Before you do that, remember that Windows allows you to use Alt+F4 to close the current window…

(I actually have fond memories of a big red button – some ODP editors will probably remember a big April Fools joke that was played on us in 2001. I think we all learnt that when a sign says “Do NOT [Push] the Big Red Button!”, it’s advisable to NOT push it: no matter how much you are tempted. Following instructions is a good idea sometimes )