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Funny: 60 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Work

Whilst searching for something slightly related, I found (via the almighty power of Google – bow down in its presence!), I found I_Am_Xenon’s 60 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Work including such gems as:

6. ‘That’s what you think,’ is not a suitable tactic when attempting to de-escalate an angry customer.

7. I am not permitted to answer calls in any language except English.

8. Especially not one that I just made up.

9. No one wants to know why I brought duct tape to work.

15. When the managers foul up, they are not honor-bound to commit seppuku (Japanese ritual suicide, a la ‘The Last Samurai’), and I should not insist that they do so.

16. The security checkpoint is not a storm trooper roadblock, therefore it is inappropriate to perform ‘Jedi mind tricks’ on them.

18. It is not right to play into the paranoid fantasies of customers that their wireless phone is being ‘tapped’.

21. Customers are not required to answer a ‘skill testing question’ before I assist them.

24. Quoting Dr Seuss should be kept to a bare minimum when assisting customers.

25. Same with ‘Full Metal Jacket’.

26. Combinations of 24 and 25 are just way out.

27. There are no rewards points awarded for bargaining customers into signing away their immortal souls, and I should not negotiate towards this goal.

31. When a customer is so impressed with my knowledge and abilities that they offer to hire me away from my current job, the correct answer is not, “Can you get me a work visa?”

43. “International Talk Like a Pirate Day” is not to be celebrated on the production floor.

44. Even if it only LOOKS like a live grenade, I can’t use it as a paperweight.

49. Not allowed to invent my own sarcastically upbeat or off-the-wall theme days. (Especially not a “Clothing-Optional Day”.)

50. Our call center does not have a mascot. If it did, it would not be a weasel, tapeworm, malarial parasite, Portuguese man-of-war, slime mold, or dung beetle.

52. When they insist that I ‘express empathy’ towards the customer in circumstances of misfortune, they don’t mean while processing payments. (ie “I would like to pay my bill.” “I’m so sorry to hear that.”)

Those are the ones that got the largest laughs from me!