Category: Net: Jokes

A woman went to the Doctor’s office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Bloggs is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. I have recently been diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the post on the
table. OK, I’m going to wash the car. But first I’m going to go through the post. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the dustbin is full.

OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk and take the dustbin out, but since I’m going to be near the post-box anyway, I’ll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my chequebook?

There’s only one cheque left! My new chequebook is in my desk. Oh, there’s the cola I was drinking. I’m going to look for those cheques. But first I need to put my drink further away from the computer, or maybe I’ll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my plants catch my eye, they need some water. I set the cola on the counter and there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the houseplants.

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. I will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when I want to watch television so I’d better put it back in the living room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the drink is sitting on the kitchen counter, the plants are half watered, the chequebook still only has one cheque in it and I can’t seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!

A little old lady went into the Natwest Bank one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the manager of the bank to open a savings account because it’s a lot of money.

They finally get her into the managers office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has £100,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The manager was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets”.

The manager replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “for example, I’ll bet you £5,000 that your balls are square”. “Ha!” says the manager, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet”.

The old lady says,”So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” says the manager, “I’ll bet £5,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady says “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?” “Sure” says the manager.

That night the manager got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.

The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the manager’s office. She introduces the lawyer to the manager and repeats the bet, that £5,000 says the manager’s balls are square. The manager agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his trousers and underwear so they can see. The manager does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. “Well, OK” says the manager, £5,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure”.

Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, “What is wrong with your lawyer?”

She replies, “Nothing, except I bet him £15,000 that by 10 AM today I’d have Natwest banks manager’s balls in my hands!”

Ford motor cars doesn’t have a “technical” support help line for people who don’t know how to drive or operate their cars – mainly because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine they did….

Help Line: “Ford Cars Help Line, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!”
Help Line: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
Help Line: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns starts the engine.”
Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?”

Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you