Press "Enter" to skip to content

Books: Bible in Five Words

Davezilla (with thanks to Natalie) has got the entire Old Testament and New Testament of The Bible in ‘five words per chapter’ format. And with descriptions such as “Matthew: Verily, Christ was way cool.” how can you not enjoy the Bible?

I hope Davezilla doesn’t mind me replicating his hard work here:

Genesis: God made lots of shit.
Exodus: “Let’s get out of here!”
Leviticus: “Moses? Your son is history.”
Numbers: Lots of Jews were born!
Deuteronomy: “Damn. It’s like … Africa hot!”
Joshua: “Dude, where’s my caravan?”
Judges: “Don’t you Jews ever listen?”
Ruth: “I had Naomi’s love child.”
I Samuel: “Damn! That dude is huge!”
II Samuel: David kicks some Hebron ass.
I Kings: God gives Solomon passing grades.
II Kings: Elijah has a Close Encounter.
I Chronicles: King David was the Man.
II Chronicles: King Solomon was the Man.
Ezra: “We’ve got a building permit.”
Nehemiah: Shitty place, the Dung Gate.
Esther: This chick did cool shit.
Job: Life sucks; then you die.
Psalms: “I got the beat, yo.”
Proverbs: Solomon really knew his shiznit!
Ecclesiastes: “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”
Song of Solomon: “Nice set of honkers, babe.”
Isaiah: God’s gonna fuck shit up!
Jeremiah: “God said it; not me!”
Lamentations: Bitch, whine, lather, rinse, repeat…
Ezekiel: Ezekiel saw some wacked shit.
Daniel: “Awww… They’re just big kitties!”
Hosea: Hosea’s wife really got around.
Joel: “Things will suck. It’s temporary.”
Amos: “I’m crushing your head! Crushhhh!”
Obadiah: “You need better home security.”
Jonah: “Dude! I got a bite!”
Micah: Can’t shake the Devil’s hand…
Nahum: Violence is the best revenge.
Habakkuk: “What am I? Your ATM?”
Zephaniah: “You know Terminator? Well that.”
Haggai: “Get Bob Villa to help.”
Zechariah: “I see dead people too!”
Malachi: “I love you. Now behave.”

Matthew: Verily, Christ was way cool.
Mark: Verily, Christ was the whip.
Luke: Verily, Christ was the shiznit.
John: Christ was one cute baby!
Acts: &#147Don’t try this at home!”
Romans: “Take a letter for me…”
I Corinthians: Be good; Big Brother’s watching.
II Corinthians: “You people don’t appreciate me!”
Galatians: “Don’t make me smack you.”
Ephesians: J-Man ain’t down with slackers.
Philippians: Jail sucks. Keep rocking it.
Colossians: “Could you stop doing that?”
I Thessalonians: “You Thessalonians is good people.”
II Thessalonians: “Get off your lazy ass!”
I Timothy: “I call bullshit on that!”
II Timothy: “Keep the faith alive, kid.”
Titus: “Prove those beyotches wrong, people!”
Philemon: “I’m too old for this.”
Hebrews: “Turn down that damn music!”
James: “Shut up and do it!”
I Peter: “You people rawk! God’s styling.”
II Peter: You aren’t like those losers!”
I John: “John got me all wet.”
II John: “Can I see you sometime?”
III John: “Yo, Gaius. Whassup? Peace out.”
Jude: “You know… your friends suck.”
Revelations: Bad shit happens. THE END.

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.