Davezilla (with thanks to Natalie) has got the entire Old Testament and New Testament of The Bible in ‘five words per chapter’ format. And with descriptions such as “Matthew: Verily, Christ was way cool.” how can you not enjoy the Bible?
I hope Davezilla doesn’t mind me replicating his hard work here:
OLD TESTAMENT
Genesis: God made lots of shit.
Exodus: “Let’s get out of here!”
Leviticus: “Moses? Your son is history.”
Numbers: Lots of Jews were born!
Deuteronomy: “Damn. It’s like … Africa hot!”
Joshua: “Dude, where’s my caravan?”
Judges: “Don’t you Jews ever listen?”
Ruth: “I had Naomi’s love child.”
I Samuel: “Damn! That dude is huge!”
II Samuel: David kicks some Hebron ass.
I Kings: God gives Solomon passing grades.
II Kings: Elijah has a Close Encounter.
I Chronicles: King David was the Man.
II Chronicles: King Solomon was the Man.
Ezra: “We’ve got a building permit.”
Nehemiah: Shitty place, the Dung Gate.
Esther: This chick did cool shit.
Job: Life sucks; then you die.
Psalms: “I got the beat, yo.”
Proverbs: Solomon really knew his shiznit!
Ecclesiastes: “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”
Song of Solomon: “Nice set of honkers, babe.”
Isaiah: God’s gonna fuck shit up!
Jeremiah: “God said it; not me!”
Lamentations: Bitch, whine, lather, rinse, repeat…
Ezekiel: Ezekiel saw some wacked shit.
Daniel: “Awww… They’re just big kitties!”
Hosea: Hosea’s wife really got around.
Joel: “Things will suck. It’s temporary.”
Amos: “I’m crushing your head! Crushhhh!”
Obadiah: “You need better home security.”
Jonah: “Dude! I got a bite!”
Micah: Can’t shake the Devil’s hand…
Nahum: Violence is the best revenge.
Habakkuk: “What am I? Your ATM?”
Zephaniah: “You know Terminator? Well that.”
Haggai: “Get Bob Villa to help.”
Zechariah: “I see dead people too!”
Malachi: “I love you. Now behave.”NEW TESTAMENT
Matthew: Verily, Christ was way cool.
Mark: Verily, Christ was the whip.
Luke: Verily, Christ was the shiznit.
John: Christ was one cute baby!
Acts: “Don’t try this at home!”
Romans: “Take a letter for me…”
I Corinthians: Be good; Big Brother’s watching.
II Corinthians: “You people don’t appreciate me!”
Galatians: “Don’t make me smack you.”
Ephesians: J-Man ain’t down with slackers.
Philippians: Jail sucks. Keep rocking it.
Colossians: “Could you stop doing that?”
I Thessalonians: “You Thessalonians is good people.”
II Thessalonians: “Get off your lazy ass!”
I Timothy: “I call bullshit on that!”
II Timothy: “Keep the faith alive, kid.”
Titus: “Prove those beyotches wrong, people!”
Philemon: “I’m too old for this.”
Hebrews: “Turn down that damn music!”
James: “Shut up and do it!”
I Peter: “You people rawk! God’s styling.”
II Peter: You aren’t like those losers!”
I John: “John got me all wet.”
II John: “Can I see you sometime?”
III John: “Yo, Gaius. Whassup? Peace out.”
Jude: “You know… your friends suck.”
Revelations: Bad shit happens. THE END.
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