Category: Net: Jokes

(ok – the picture has very little to do with the joke – but look at that pussy!)

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.

“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”

“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.

“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”

“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.

……

• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe British summer time (daylight-saving time).
• The quality of a movie is directly disproportional to the number of helicopters in it.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
• There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
• The main accomplishment of almost all organised protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
• If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too (they have hankies).
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Your true friends love you, anyway.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing,” said the husband.

“The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it!”

Have you ever noticed that when you’re of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Your shopping bags are heavier…

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was astonished to discover how long my street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognise me!

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection …Well, REALLY NOW ……… even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You’re risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilised these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 36″ or 38″ waist pair of trousers as 44″ or 46″? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist? And why the instance on making clothes a lot longer then they used to be?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually “believe” the number I see on that display? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on – but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here – and, not only that, but they’ve made all telephones to use those fiddly little buttons instead of the good old reliable rotary dials.

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon “everyone” will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Ned Nott was shot and Sam shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Not.