Archive for the ‘Net: Jokes’ category

Joke: There’s a song that I recall…

July 31st, 2003

Old Person - who isn't a flibblepenguinBefore the joke (and it’s been a few months since the last joke), a quick explanation of the title of the post – it’s taken from a Goons song that starts:

There’s a song that I recall,
My Mother sang to me,
She sang it when she tucked me in,
When I was 93….
Ying tong ying tong Ying tong ying tong Ying tong iddle I po

I’ll include the full lyrics in the extended/full post (along with the joke’s punch line), so now after the set-up, here’s the joke:

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.

“Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long,” as the reporter.

“Well, I don’t ever drink and I’ve never smoked,” replied the old man. “And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women.”

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, “He, he, he!” and then continued his pursuit.

“What was that all about?” asked the astonished reporter.
» Read more: Joke: There’s a song that I recall…

Jokes: Top 10 Pickup Lines

May 14th, 2003

PickupHere’s a few good “pickup” lines I’ve found across the ‘net. I’m not one for using pickup lines myself, but let me know if any work: I especially like the first four:

  1. I wish I were a tear so I could start in your eyes, live on your face, and die on your lips.
  2. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
  3. I was once told that our souls had met, now only our hearts had to be introduced.
  4. You have the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.
  5. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
  6. Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
  7. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
  8. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
  9. You: You look like my second wife!
    Other: How many times have you been married?
    You: Once!
  10. Smile if you want to sleep with me!

[Taken from Useless Thoughts]

Joke: Ya-Ya Moments

March 17th, 2003

[Woman in aerobics class]Taken from Red Grand AM! (a link I discovered via Blogrolling’s I’m feeling lucky feature):

  1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realise that you had set it free……..You either married it or gave birth to it.
  2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
  3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen fatty…..do it and die”.
  4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
  5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
  6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.
  7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  8. Amazing!! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
  9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

Joke: An Texan In London

March 8th, 2003

[London]A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412.

The Texan replied, “Shoot, a little ol’ tower like that? In Houston we’d have that thing up in two weeks!”

House of Parliament next – Started construction in 1544, completed 1618. “Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!”

As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. “Whoah! What’s that over there?”
» Read more: Joke: An Texan In London

Joke: God and behavioural patterns

February 26th, 2003

[God]God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
» Read more: Joke: God and behavioural patterns

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