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Category: Net: Jokes

Joke: Cheese Grater Slide For Kids

If you’ve got a dislike for kids or just think that the ones you’ve got are getting in the way – well, how about letting them dispose of themselves with the New Cheese Grater Slide For Kids® – available at all good play grounds 😉 Disclaimer: Of course, I am totally against making the end of a slide a cheese grater. Imagine the poor sick and/or nutty kids which could get grated on it. Some poor unpaid cleaner will have to clean up their mess – yuck!

Joke: Drunk Driviin’

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level. “Oh, no,” the driver said. “I can’t do that. If I do that, I’ll have an asthma attack and die.” “OK,” said the officer, “let’s go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level.” “Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die.” “Fine then. Let’s go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level.” “Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m a hemophiliac and I’ll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood. “All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me.” “Oh, no, I can’t do that.” “Why not?” “Because I’m drunk.”

Fun: Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen

Forwarded on to me from my other half from her father: Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any. Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. Remember, no one is listening until you fart. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving. Give a man a fish and he…

Joke(?): Obituary Of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn’t always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments…