Category: Net: Jokes

Here’s a list of things that, fortunately, my new boss didn’t say to me on my first day of work:

• “That is the person you’ll be replacing. He doesn’t know that we’re going to fire him yet, so please don’t say anything. We need him to train you.”
• “… And this is the beer fridge.”
• “How quickly can you load a handgun?”
• “Didn’t we hire the hot chick in the skin tight red dress?”
• “We don’t provide web browsers on the PCs in this company because people might use them.” (I’m working in very web-orientated environment)
• “Welcome to Microsoft. You know the company name was inspired by a remark made by Mrs.Melinda Gates on their honeymoon!”
• “Wonder what you would look like in a white sundress?” (I’m male by the way 🙂 )
• (to another employee) “This is the best we could find in 48 hours!”
• “Hey, if you see the new guy, tell him I’m not here. Make up something about a family emergency or some junk. My tee-off time’s in ten minutes…”
• “Did you get those projections done that I asked for on Friday?”
• “Around here, we put the FUN in dysFUNctual”
• “If you bring a weapon to work, keep it hidden.”
• “Since you’re male, I can’t ask you to walk with me to the ladies, so I guess I’ll have to discuss your duties here.”
• “Hello … Had any sex lately?”
• “Despite what others may say, that’s not a blood stain.”
• “Do not leave dead bodies in the tea room – the smell is most off putting.”

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, “This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

1. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died.”
2. If they say they’re John Smith from the Flibblepenguin Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
3. Cry out in surprise, “Laura! Is that you? Oh my God! Laura, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Laura a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
4. If BT calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”
5. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
6. Tell the telemarketer you are confined to your house under a court order and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
7. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”
9. Insist that the caller is really your friend Katherine, playing a joke. “Come on Katherine, cut it out! Seriously, Katherine, how’s your family?”
10. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

You could, also, download and use the Telemarketer Counter Script and see how long you can torture the telemarketer for. Unfortunately, I don’t seem to get many telemarketing calls so the chances of me actually utilising the script is extremely low.

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

“I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have £90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with £30,000 within.”

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed £10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in £20,000.”

The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed £20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in £10,000.”

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal cheque for the full amount”

The infant class had settled down to its colouring books. Katherine went up to the teacher’s desk and said, “Miss Richmond, I ain’t got no crayons.”

“Katherine,” Miss Richmond said, “you mean, “I don’t have any crayons.’ You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?”

“Not really,” Katherine said, “What happened to all them crayons?”

(Incidentally, were you aware that in the UK quite a large number of primary school teachers actually buy ‘extra supplies’ such as drawing paper, glue sticks and crayons for their pupils out of their own wages?)