Category: Net: Jokes

Colin was bragging to his friend, Laura, one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, Laura called his bluff, “OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Colin and Laura fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Colin’s friend is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, she tells Colin that she thinks Colin’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Colin says. “President Bush,” his friend quickly retorts. “Yes,” Colin says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Dubya spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his friend over, saying, “Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, Laura is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds she expresses her doubts to Colin, who again implores her to name anyone else. “The Pope,” she replies. “Sure!” says Colin. “My wife is from Italy and because of her I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and Laura are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his friend has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his friends side, Colin asks her, “What happened?” His friend looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Colin?”

(Any resemblance to Colin Firth in this joke is entirely coincidental – honest! 🙂 )

Some words of wisdom from Springfield’s finest:

• “Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.”
• “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
• “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, “you’re making a scene.”
• “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
• “If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
• “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”
• “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
• “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
• “I want to share something with you — the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, “Cover for me.” Number two, “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got here.”

Looking into the New Year with confusion? Then do I have the pamphlet/leaflet for you! When you were born, you did not come with an owner’s manual; this guide will hopefully make your life better:

• You will receive a body. You may not like it, but it’s the only thing you are sure to keep for life.
• You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called “Life on Planet Earth”. Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.
• Will will also be studying part-time at “The School Of Hard Knocks” and “The University Of Life” – these are long standing schools and universities and hence have many traditions that you may never understand
• There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. “Failures” are as much a part of the process as “success.”
• A lesson is repeated until it is learnt. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it – then you can go on to the next lesson.
• If you don’t learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.
• You will know you have learnt a lesson when your actions have changed. Wisdom is practise. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.
• “There” is not better than “here”. When your “there” becomes a “here” you will simply obtain another “there.”
• Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but it is only useful before the event.
• Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate about in yourself.
• Never drink more than 2 Pan-Galatic Gargle Blasters, large bottles of Whisky or motor oil
• Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life – or someone else will.
• You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract – therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.
• There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralising doesn’t help. Judgements only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.
• Try to always act naturally – even if you don’t feel like it.
• Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others as we mature; we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written.
• You know more than you have heard or been told. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

Keep breaking your New Years resolutions? Well, why don’t you make resolutions that you can keep and accomplish? Here’s a few to start you off:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising, it’s a waste of time: you are going to die at somepoint anyway, so why not enjoy yourself?
3. Read less. It makes you think.
4. Watch more TV – haven’t you missed some good stuff on the goggle-box recently?
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. (Procrastinate means delay or postpone things I think – but I’ll check that next week)
6. Not date any of the Baywatch/James Bond cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the big internet connection.
8. Take a holiday to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine (it’s in Minnesota by the way).
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop making packed-lunches at home to eat at work – you should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don’t dance with Kylie Minogue, Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and Shakira at the same time
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”