Category: Net: Jokes

If you’ve got a dislike for kids or just think that the ones you’ve got are getting in the way – well, how about letting them dispose of themselves with the New Cheese Grater Slide For Kids® – available at all good play grounds 😉

Disclaimer: Of course, I am totally against making the end of a slide a cheese grater. Imagine the poor sick and/or nutty kids which could get grated on it. Some poor unpaid cleaner will have to clean up their mess – yuck!

Funny picture from my new work colleagues:

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the
lanes.

The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a
breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.

“Oh, no,” the driver said. “I can’t do that. If I do that, I’ll have an
asthma attack and die.”

“OK,” said the officer, “let’s go down to the station and you can pee in
a cup to check your alcohol level.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar
level will go down so low that I might die.”

“Fine then. Let’s go to the station and take a blood test to check your
alcohol level.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that. I’m a hemophiliac and I’ll never stop bleeding
if you draw my blood.

“All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for
me.”

“Oh, no, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

Forwarded on to me from my other half from her father:

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
• The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
• Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
• Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
• Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
• Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
• Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.
• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
• Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend
by the name of Common Sense who has been with us
for many years. No one knows for sure how old he
was since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having
cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come
in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and
that life isn’t always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and
reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are
in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student;
but, could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment than
their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge
settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by
two stepbrothers; My Rights and Im a Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not
join the majority and do nothing.